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I hate money

I know that is not a great title right after a fundraiser. : ) But in an effort to be real, I will share my heart with you this morning.

Let me start by saying THANK YOU (((said with lots of emotion and accompanied by a huge hug))) for donating yesterday during our Facebook-ATHON. As of this moment, we have $465 towards our application thank you so much. You have invested in a child's life (and ours) in a way that will change it forever.

I am full of mixed emotions. One of humble joy, as I see many of you give when I know you have little or are saving to adopt yourselves. Another, excitement to know we are a little closer to our next step in this process of adopting. And, if I'm honest, a little discouraged that we're so far from our goal.

My fussiness with God is not that more people didn't give or that I don't trust Him to eventually provide. I know He will, because He always has.

And that's just it. It seems, since leaving my home at 18 to marry the man of my dreams, we have made decision after decision that have put us in a place of financial need. Joe is a talented man, smart, hard working, and a gifted leader, who could easily get a higher paying job if he was willing to go anywhere and do anything. Instead, God has called him to ministry, not exactly a money making scheme. And then, after years of enjoying some sense of security in a steady paycheck as a pastor, we are called to church planting and leave that behind. Some of you are our faithful supporters who have made it possible to plant a church and pay the bills at the same time. But because of the economy and a drop in support, he now works two jobs, some days exhausting himself with the responsibilities of a full time job and ministry, not to mention family.

I'm not sharing that for sympathy, maybe more to brag on him. In all that he has taken on, I have never ONCE heard him complain about it. He continues to be the spark of joy in this home and humble representation of my King.

I, on the other hand, can tend to gripe a little. Again, mainly because I hate money. I hate that we need money. And I HATE the "ask". That's what they call it, for those of you who may not be familiar with fundraising. It's that point where you lay your need out there and invite someone to partner with you by providing for that need. Everyone who's ever fundraised has had to do it. And I don't know anyone who likes it.

I hate it. I hate asking. I hate that I have a need that can only be provided for (through Jesus) by others. I would rather be self sufficient, take care of it ourselves. But we can't. And it's clearly not what God wants us to be able to do. He's called us to more than we can handle on our own. He's called us to be where we are, doing what we are doing, and it means allowing Him to move in His people to provide. Why He keeps doing that to us, I may never know!! But I'm a little tired of it. I'm just being honest.

I know we are supposed to adopt. I have never been more sure of something-- that He wants us to pursue this path and rescue this orphan who is living in who-know-what-kind-of-conditions right now. And we, like many of you, are barely paying our bills. We could never afford the expenses involved.

So where does that leave me? After wrestling with Him? Apparently, right where He wants me. In a place of brokenness. Utter dependence. With a wrecked heart. Lame and needy. All I have is His, and all I need is His to provide. I will humbly continue to serve and obey.

A friend wrote me this morning and said,

I wanted to share a piece of my heart with the hope of encouraging you to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and rest there with humble trust, giving thanks as you are in these days of small beginnings. Jesus finishes what He starts, He loves the're on good ground to remain hopeful.

And so I will fix my eyes on Jesus. And I will remain hopeful.


Erica said...

This is what the LORD says your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17

jill young said...

"Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7. Money issues stink but God always meets us where we are and meets our needs. Keep praying!

Shannon said...

Bless your heart, Rachel. I have cried out to God in much the same way you are right now. I'll just tell you what He told me..."I'm not doing this TO you, I'm doing this FOR you, you think you are rescuing an orphan, I am rescuing you. Don't take your eyes off Me and I will make the impossible possible." He doesn't lie, Rachel, and if He'll do it for us, He'll do it for you. :) Just hold on.

Unknown said...

Rachel, I cannot put into words what your story has done to my heart. It has made me look outside my own world that seems so trying at times and realize that He has a greater purpose for us all. My heart is heavy for you and all you must be facing. But in the same breath I am rejoicing for you that through your true honesty you can see He is there and will never forsake you. What an inspiration you are. What a testimony your life is! I believe God puts us in situations like these(that you repeatedly find yourself in) to show His glory. I can't wait to watch your story unfold!

Carrie Sterner said...

Rachel, boy do I understand. The waters your are treading are soon to be ours. As a pastor's wife, with 5 kids, and heading into church planting in 9 months, the battle you face is mine. I too have wrestled with the Lord on this very thing. I have had to confess my covetous heart as I look at my siblings and so many of my friends and long for their financial "peace."

Proverbs 30:8 has become the verse that I claim, "...give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, 'Who is is the Lord?" or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God."

For me, God is so much bigger as I am forced to lean on Him instead of the security of a regular paycheck. As uncomfortable as it is, it is where God is biggest for me....watching Him provide every day, one day at a time. It is not easy but we are called to suffer, called to be refined by fire. This is part of being made into His image. I hope we both can encourage one another to claim that verse.

I have a video I watched this summer on that very verse. I will find it and send it to you.

Praying for you and your family. May God be glorified in mighty ways through your trusting in Him! We should talk soon. :)