Praying with tears on Mother's Day

It is a fun coincidence that Abby's four month anniversary home falls on Mother's Day. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to rejoice in, so much to praise God for.

And yet, is it strange that tonight I feel...sad? For some reason, this year, my heart is heavy anticipating a day that I know for many women, is the hardest day of the year.

Maybe it's because someone especially dear to me is somewhere in between "being a mom and longing to be one", as last year her belly swelled with life, and yet this year finds her arms empty.

Maybe it's because my close friend has been waiting, and longing for her son across the ocean, and while we know to trust,.... soon,...he's not here today. Not yet. And it's hard.

Maybe it's because so many of you are waiting still, and I know your stories and read your blogs and follow your posts and am waiting with you.

Maybe it's because of others I care for deeply who I know are trying, aching, hoping...and God has not yet answered.

Maybe it's because I know there are so, so many children who want mommies, who need mommies, and who don't have them.

Maybe it's because I know there are birth moms out there who have given the greatest gift, made the hardest choice, and walk a difficult road this weekend as their children get tucked in by someone else.

Or maybe it's because I'm thinking of Abby's first mommy...wonder if sometimes Abby misses her...wonder if I'll ever be enough to fill that void.

I am so inadequate. I didn't have to adopt to come face to face with that truth. I am in no way more worthy or more equipped to be a mom than someone else. I have been chosen to help steward these 5 lives, and some days, it terrifies me. But I know what an absolute blessing it is. Such a gift. Such treasures.

I'm not sure how to write about that--the hurt I feel for those I love at the same time that I acknowledge and give thanks for the children I have.

I try to end my posts with answers. Or some sort of resolution.This time, I don't really have any.

All I have right now is heartache. So tonight I "pour out my soul before the Lord", like Hannah, on behalf of those I love. Those who are somewhere in between being a mom and longing to be one.

Oh, Jesus, please. Remember them.*



*1 Samuel 1:1-20